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epistle log 15fteen

everything is undone

"sing me a second part with the faith thrown back. send me to join the sudden evening's passing. if i have been too constant then you were this thing also: shuts up the room, the same blue voice to sound it. how exactly do you declare we're bound? spin the lives that rise between us. we were once so constant. if you have been too constant then i was this thing also. perhaps i'll join their posture. you have braced around your smile." -- j molina

seven days: i had seven days, and was told that i could see her every night for those seven days. seven days and two meetings. once to "midnight in the garden of good and evil" and once to putt putt (she had a craving). not exactly what i had hoped for, or even expected. all i wanted was a chance to see her and say my piece. to finally have things out. sound familiar? well, old tricks are the best tricks, and we drove all over creation in whoever's car was least practical, and i spent hours not saying what i wanted. she won at putt putt, and she asked me if i let her win. i said no, and believed myself, but later thought that i wouldn't have even thought about it if i had: it would have been natural. that's something to think about.

regardless i had a great time, but inside me there was that nagging, oh so familiar from years of symbiosis. that nagging that is questioning every little word spoken, every single hair raised, every single brush of skin on skin. finally, in true fashion, nothing was brought up until she was late to go home and we were 5 minutes from her car. typical. even then i couldn't broach it: she had to ask me what was on my mind.

so we had it out. rather, i talked about it, and a stunning realization hit me: i had done this. the past three years, while i was not solely to blame, i had done this to myself. instead of accepting the reality of the situation, i lied to myself, and pulled any ounce of justification from any of her actions or words. she is not blameless, but nor am i. so sitting there, trembling in that car, not being able to meet her glances, i accepted what i hadn't been able to accept for so long. that over, and other issues addressed and resolved (or so i thought), i walked her to her car, embraced, she turned, then turned back and kissed me on my cheek. i said goodbye, turned, and walked away.

i didn't look back

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