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epistle log 1ne
catharsis
{before we begin, i'd like to apologize to hethyr and nicole, who received epistle log 0 without a title: it was "epistle log 0 -- automatic pilot light." this is something petty and insignificant, but it bothered me, and maybe that will shed a little more light on this insanity i commonly call my life. or maybe it's just stupid. to go quite against my character, i now quote "i think i'm dumb, maybe just happy." whatever}
so
this form of expression being so new, and following a much more narrative than expostulative form than i originally intended, i feel a little more backstory is in order. don't worry: it's not even a week that needs be caught up, so this won't be quite as long as the first backstory (thank god).
with that aside (why do i go into such detail with perfunctory stuff that no one notices unless i bring it to their attention? oh, and by the way, i have a rose duct taped to my wall to dry it. and why do i tell you this? because i'm looking at it, no more)
enough.
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last weekend was amazing. truly. it was, in fact, one of the most pure experiences of my life. words fail me, but, perchance, through the story, you'll grasp a glimpse, a glimmer of what i mean.
so what happened? well, after weeks of emotional strain and drain from taking on everyone else's problems (a trick i learned from the master: you know who you are, and have passed on to some), i retreated (skipping my friday classes but not really missing anything of merit) to the hallowed hills of WKU to visit my jess jess (jessica cull, to those not privy to the wonders of VAMPY nicknames). we've both been through a lot recently, and with the evil valentines day imminent, we decided we would bond together and make it through the potentially destructive holiday together. or something. anyways, i knew i needed a catharsis, and going to a campus of 16,000 students of whom i knew 2 (jess and karl ballard) and spending more time with jess in a weekend than i had collectively for 3 or 4 years seemed like just the thing.
i didn't know the half of it.
trip down on thursday was fun: blake was hyped to surprise the shit out of his girlfriend with a really really nice ring for her birthday and valentine's day, and we listened to 311, dave mathew's, pulp fiction, and fiona apple, none of which i minded (surprisingly). i slept some (dead tired i'd been: weary to the core, corporally, mentally and spiritually) and sang some, and rode straight through louisville on 65 without stopping (that hurt).
so, we get there and, (forgive me those of you who didn't share VAMPY with me, but the following is quite a sentimental thing), before calling jess to let me up, i sat outside in the fading dusk and early starlight on the bench (yes THE bench), and breathed. it's nice to be able to sit back and enjoy the drawing of a deep, cool, cleansing breath. (i am a hollow reed . . . .) so i go inside, call jess down, and she comes down with the biggest grin and bigger embrace so warm it melted all of the jaded growth that had consumed me. (let the catharsis begin). we then off to dinner (blueberry pancakes at a greasy spoon -- fine fine fine), then back to her room, where i collapse on her bed and watch the first of many romantic-comedy-of-errors movies of that weekend (4 weddings and a funeral, my best friend's wedding, good will hunting, and some others i'm sure) with her curled up next to me. (let the catharsis heighten) we end up sleeping for more than 12 hours (i needed it) then spend all day friday not working on our applications to be counselors at VAMPY. we also ate a lot, she out eating me often (which heartened me considerably), and saw good will hunting that night (which i enjoyed immensely). we came back, watched another movie i think, ordered breadsticks from papa john's, and then traded backrubs while watching daria. she fell asleep thus and i invaded her roommates bed (aubrey had gone home for the weekend) and we again slept in considerably. woke up, didn't work on our applications some more, ate, watched probably another movie, napped some, went out on the town and then went to a party that should've been great but was actually pretty bad (i drove us home when the fuzz showed up, shouting and telling anyone who approached him to stand back and spittin' his tabaccy often). we then ordered a pizza, put in first the zoo tv tape and then the achtung baby video, and i fell asleep with jess in my arms and bono in my ears. woke up late again, actually finished our applications, and went to see the drs. roberts to turn them in (this is how cool dr. julia is: i called her house on a sunday afternoon, she recognized me by voice and arranged to meet me a half an hour hence). needless to say we were flattered and greatly enjoyed the half hour visit we were allowed, although it made me a half an hour late in meeting blake to go back home. so we walk back to the dorm, collect my stuff, and i leave (quite unwillingly).
somewhere in there jess decided i was to be her maid of honor and would wear a pale blue dress. oddly enough, this is not the first time i've been thus addressed (nick wishes to be my best man, and i her maid of honor), but i fondly accepted.
so, after typing that all out, it sounds so trivial. and yet, it was truly one of the most remarkable weekends of my life: catharsis through and through. i was so utterly happy the entire time i was there, and was loath to leave such simple happiness: a soft warm bed and a dear and loving friend: what more could i ask for. indeed, what more had i ever asked for, but to fall asleep in the arms of someone i care about. to come back home, to this dorm, with the intricacies of avoiding some and markedly not avoiding others, and listening to everyone and helping everyone and knowing all of these people; to come back to this was so undesirable. perhaps i saw my simple life, my shack on walden pond, to be life with jess at WKU. whatever the case may be, it was something i didn't want to leave, but with which i could not remain. and so, i returned to life, glowing for a bit, yet dimmed considerably by my 200 mile displacement northwards:
"my woman she came and she left me and now i'm filled with desire. the moments she slept there next to me and now alone i retire. far north and i can't come back. you seem to tell me thing's i've already known. time allows me to cripple my mind, cave in my soul. far north i had to go, north i had to go. i'm further away than i meant to go. so now i'm north and i can't come back." -- m ronay, "650 miles," as sung with conviction by k. scott ritcher of the metroschifter
and so here i am, seemingly unchanged, but now with the memory of such bliss: and that memory is what changes everything.
sunday night, for the first time in years, i fell asleep wishing someone was in my arms, and it wasn't shara, nor kim.
02|19|98