epistle log back: backstory

epistle log Back

backstory

longstory

how have i been doing? i'm glad you asked. actually, things have been pretty bad, with lots of little ok things spread in there to make the bad ones more palatable. where do i start?

christmas break: all i wanted was time alone and time with shara. what did i get? seven family functions in a week and a half, more engagements that i ever thought little ol' me would be required to attend,and the frenzied rush to try to see everyone who was home. i missed out on 2 of my best friends. oh well.

and, as far as shara goes, i saw her thrice: once she came over (side note: my mother hates shara, but says she won't change her mind until she meets shara. so i finally have shara over and my mother was actually civil. i was blown away. anyways --) to watch chasing amy with myself and two guys from st. x that she didn't know ( i know, bad movie choice, bad setting: gods i suck sometimes). but, that was actually the best meeting we had over the whole break. she left before the movie got to that part (you know that part) (thank god she left before then). i walked her to her car (of course) and there were two kisses, one short, one longer, sweeter, gentler. (both unreadable, though) she smiled and drove away. i was gone, floating.

well, the next encounter was a meeting at hawley cooke, we had grilled cheese then went driving forever, stopping at a park to swing and wrestle and play and talk but it wasn't the same: i felt a distance of some kind. it didn't feel right. no kiss. i still haven't figured it out.

the third and last time was the day before she left town, and we went to see titanic. it was a bad day to begin with. i drove my brother to the airport that morning and on the way my transmission suddenly began to fail. great. on the way back home, because i was paying attention to my transmission, a cop nailed me for doing 40 in a 25. ticket. great. all this before 10 am. great. i went home, made a meal, and finished a huge letter that i had been writing shara for an entire semester. bottom line: i told her my emotions AGAIN, laid it all out on the line and left it up to her, saying that whatever happens is fine, i just want this indecision over (which is what i've been saying for years) and that all that there was to do was for her to tell me how she feels so we could determine how we were going to relate (friends, more, less, whatever). i drop it by her house on the way to practice at my drummers house, passing her on us 42 on the way over there. practice was ok, i guess.

then i'm off again: watch me go! after driving circles around the city making arrangements to record another band, on the way to their house with my car full of equipment, i was rear-ended by an insurance agent right in front of her office. for some reason, the st. matthews cops took an hour to get there even though it was only 2 blocks from their station. whatever. $1400 or so worth of damage, and 3 hours of my day disappeared. just like that. great. so i drop off the equipment at the band's house, set them up, and go home an hour later than i was supposed to be home if i wanted to go see shara that night. well. stepfather was very nice but was still considering not letting me go because, well, i don't know why.

anyways, i gave up and went to bed, my back was already beginning to hurt from the accident. my mom woke me up a half hour before i was to go see shara, telling me if i didn't get up i'd miss her and that she thought shara'd be pretty pissed. good ol' mom. we've been getting along VERY well lately which, while surprising, i find a very good thing. anyways, so i shower and swallow some food and jump in the car and get off to the theater (40 minutes late, or so). i get there and she's waiting for me. for the first time that day i felt good. she ran up and hugged me and oh god here i go again. keep in mind she's read this manifesto i've written and it is pretty much understood that we were finally going to have everything out that night.

the movie was sold out, so we drove across town to another theater (5 minutes from my house) in her car because she didn't think that i should be driving. i didn't complain: that meant more time with her. so we get there, wait an hour for the movie, share a coke and i fall asleep on her because at this point my body gave up. i don't blame it. so we sit through titanic (which i loved) next to her, and catch, every once in a while, something that might have passed for affection. whatever. we get up after the movie and i was exhausted and we get in her car so she can drive me back across town so i can get my car and drive BACK across town to go home.

whew.

anyways, after being together for over 4 hours, halfway back she says "so, i read your letter." great. her answer: "i don't know." damn. that was the only wrong answer to my question. but it's true enough, i really think she has very little idea what's up and what's down for her emotionally. she's gone through an ordeal emotionally which i know has turned her inside out with betrayal and created some real problems with her and trust. i understand this. that doesn't make things any easier to deal with. so i sit there. we get back to my car, she parks next to it, turn to me and asks "so?" what am i to say. at this point i'm so emotionally gone i really don't remember what i said but in essence it went like this:

i love her. nothing has ever changed this. and if the past three years of her destroying me bit by bit and generally shitting on me haven't changed that then i don't see my love for her changing much in the future. so what else is there for me to do but keep on loving her, which appears to be the same as "waiting" for her. when i say this she tries to physically push me from the car. i look at her, helpless and hopeless. she says something about me trying to be even more wonderful when i'm already so wonderful and why can't i just leave? i love her, and no matter how much easier it would be for both of us, no matter how much i've wanted to leave her or how hard i've tried to leave her, i can't. god i'm so pathetic. she would leave as well if she could, but she can't. the feelings run too deep she says. great. so where does this put us? no where that we weren't already.

great.

so i get out of her car and into mine and go home and collapse into bed. she's gone. back to school.

damn.

the next week is spent getting ready to leave and tying up all kinds of loose ends, but not the one loose end that matters. she's back at school. oh well.

back to school, first week yadda yadda yadda. on thursday, chuck showed up. goody goody. he stayed the night then left that morning to visit relatives, then was back that night.

(enough with the background)

(last weekend)

(this is excerpted from compiled emails, so excuse the narrative change)

it has been a more than surreal weekend in which i discover the first mix tape i made for shara with screaming trees and smashing pumpkins "gish." only from the mind of me as a thirteen year old, no? oh well, it's been good, bad and ugly this weekend, but chuck being here really softened the blow.

(beat)

well . . . . i guess i'll go into this whole tirade, even though you probably could give less than a shit, right? forgive me for my cynicism, but after the weekend i've had, i feel i'm entitled.

so.

well, chuck got in on thursday, then spent friday with relatives. everyone here got smashed as i waited for him to get back in. then we putzed around, yadda yadda yadda. we sleep late (chuck falls asleep with my de facto roommate kate on the floor, and, in his words, "fooled around." whatever. it's really weird, since i've known kate for 13 years or so and dated her in the 6th grade or like whatever and stuff. ANYWAYS), then wake up and set off to danville to visit shara (i know, i'm pathetic), drive in circles around lexington to get there, badda bing badda bam blam boom. so we get there, happy happy and all that, and end up the three of us in a pile on her bed, all happy and sleepy and confused but comfy. so we lounge and chit chat and yeah yeah yeah. why are you reading all of this? we go to dinner . . . . . . yeah. get back, exchange backrubs etc., then her friends show up.

at this point she asks if we're staying or leaving, as we all decided to leave it up in the air. well, she was going to party, and chuck wasn't in the mood, nor was i, but i would've gone just to be with her (sometimes i hate myself). so, the decision was to party with her, to hang in her room with chuck while everyone else in a 20 mile radius was getting smashed, or to leave. easy decision, right? don't answer, as IF you care. but, and here's the trick: i wanted to stay so badly and knew i needed to leave and was so existentially in crisis that i would've just sat there, the worst of the 3 options. you see, all i wanted was to talk with her, really talk not silly fluff shit, you know; and to fall asleep next to her, wake up with her in my arms (i'm so fucking hopeless). blase blase blase.

well, i realize this is the only thing certain: it will not happen. so, chuck realized the situation and said we were leaving. thank god for chuck (did you get that: i won't say it often). anyways, so she says her goodbyes and walks right out the door, without so much as a backwards glance. hurt. well, i decided that i couldn't leave without fucking things up a little more, so, stupid me pulls out the notebook and pen and starts spilling. chuck leaves to blow his nose or something and, as i write, she walks back in. oh shit. so there i sit, emotionally fucked, and she says "i couldn't just leave like that." oh jesus i've done it again. scoreboard reads shara everything matt zero. oh well, old tricks are the best tricks, eh?

so she stands there and looks down into my eyes (only my eyes? sure. uh huh) and reaches up and puts her hand to my cheek. i'm gone, again. fuck. she looks into my eyes, then i stand up and hold her (what else was i to do? what else could i do?)

(gulping wine from a plastic cup and watching snippets of the new romeo and juliet: post modern academia at it's finest. what have i become? (written sunday night))

so there we stood, the most painful goodbye. a brief kiss, then a longer one, soft, sweet, yet so hard to read. she turns and walks out again, this time with a glance backwards that stabs me to the core. i fall to my seat, and spill the rest of my words carelessly across the page, more or less between the lines. folded twice, signed, and set upon a pillow. real fucking great.

so we leave, i discontent, chuck surprisingly tactful and understanding. 2 hours back to cincy with beck and soul coughing to work away my desire to be drunk, something i never ever ever wish to be. so i get back, only to face the "how was danville/shara/the trip/you" questions. cryptic evasions and 2 drinks to be nice, then i lay me down to sleep i pray the lord my soul to keep. whatever. but her eyes upon my closed eyes and her lingering scent just out of reach, my arms wrapped around nothing. it's hard to hold on to what's not even there.

so i awake and eat and chill and listen to mellow music and play even mellower music and type and sleep and eat and type and type and type and so here i am and you still probably don't give a shit. not that you don't care but you didn't ask for this to be dumped in your lap 256 character buffers at a time. and, if i were you, i wouldn't want to read this either.

it's also late and i have the best cd to sleep to on, chuck's asleep on the floor and my roommate is out cold and i have a warm belly from the one glass of wine and a broken heart from god-knows-how-many mistakes i've made. and so here it is. (again, sunday night)

-----

well, then we get to last night (tuesday). there i was, reading my lit and getting ready to write a very short paper. from out of nowhere, i go from peacefully reading my text to a state of emotional crisis with zero transition. and instant flip-out. crazy. so, i lost it. really lost it. for six hours. i was scared. i NEVER EVER whig out like that. i always cope, i always deal. not this time i guess. it was crazy, all of a sudden visions of her leapt upon me, the faint scent of her surrounded me, and her distant voice beckoned me. i lost it. so i was up till 4:30 writing a paper that got postponed till friday. great.

so i take this as a bad sign. i mean, i've never lost sleep over anything. i can cope. but this time, i lost it.

man.

-----

there it is.

even as i write this her eyes haunt me. i see her everywhere, waking, sleeping, anywhere. she still hasn't called. i haven't either. god damn this is hard. it hurts. this will grind me down. soon.

-----

this is it. so ignore it or share it with those who may understand: these words are yours, these tumbled emotions are mine. sorry about the sordid state of this whole narrative but to much beckett and stoppard will do this to a desperate and despondent man of unrequited love. but it's a damn fine story, no?

-----

so that's that now, huh? for now. this pretty much has it: not what actually happened, maybe, but definitely what i felt then. so sue me if i'm partial because i'm dying inside. i'm partial, and it should be read with this in mind. have fun with it and send responses and questions please. please.

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